Andy Warhol once said "In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes."
In 2004, William Hung proved you can get your fifteen minutes of fame by showing the world you are a bad singer.
A REALLY bad singer!
William also proved if you are bad enough, your fifteen minutes can be stretched into fifteen hundred minutes, give or take a few years. So far, his fame has stretched into 3 albums, a starring role in a Hong Kong movie, several commercials, and a few TV guest spots.
Maybe it was his charisma. Maybe it was his enthusiasm. Maybe it was his complete obliviousness as to how bad he truly was.
Maybe he was a warning of things to come.
Ever since William found his fifteen minutes of fame, there have been a parade of really bad Idol auditioners popping up on our TV screens. One after another, these people look us in the eye with a big grin on their face while they tell us why they are the next American Idol. After a couple of rounds with Simon, Paula, and Randy, these same people turn on the water works and tell us how wrong the judges were to dismiss them.
Keep in mind I'm not talking about the pretty good auditioners, those who have talent but don't make it through either because they chose the wrong song to audition with or just don't impress the judges enough. I'm talking about the auditioners who are so bad they make Paula turns 12 shades of green. The ones who are so bad they make you lose your appetite. The ones who are so bad they make you stare at the TV like deer caught in your headlights.
The ones who are so bad they make Fido run for cover in the other room.
Yeah. You know which ones I'm talking about.
Ones like Kenneth Briggs.
Kenneth said people have compared him to 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys. I want to know who? Who would say this? His friends? As far I can figure, his friends must have been pulling the king of practical jokes on him. Now that his audition is over, I suspect Ashton Kutcher will be coming out from behind the camera any minute to tell Kenneth that he has been Punk'd. Or maybe he'll be telling us that we've been Punk'd.
I wish I could say that auditioneers telling us how they've been compared to such-and-such famous singer/actor is a rare occurrence. But it's not. Every audition brings out at least six or sixty auditioneers who try to convince us they have been compared to such-and-such famous singer/actor. And the day after every audition, I read in the news how that same famous singer/actor has booked a flight to Venus.
Fido wishes he could join them on that flight.
How about the ones like Jason Anderson?
Jason said he could juggle, dance, and sing. Normally, one out of three wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact the other two weren't downright awlful. What about his juggling made him think that he could sing as well? Maybe in the past everyone was so transfixed by his juggling they didn't realize he was singing. Or maybe the captive audience at the nursing homes were smart enough to turn off their hearing aids.
Props are another often used gimmick that almost always backfires on the auditioner. Whether the prop be juggling sticks or a red-white-blue boxing outfit (just where the heck did that guy find such a get-up anyway), the prop cannot mask the fact that your singing can make milk go sour.
Oh, and to the guy who was wearing that red-white-blue boxing outfit: you might want to get that dry cleaned before you return it. I think Fido just barfed in it.
How about the ones like Jesse Holloway?
Jesse said he had a unique vocal range and could hit some of the same notes that Mariah Carey could hit. The first clue that this wasn't going to be a good audition was when Jesse talked. His voice was monotone. No variation at all. It went downhill from there when he started singing. We got a short break when he stopped to go get a drink of water. But just when we had started to recover, he returned. And just like Aunt Ida's three-bean casserole, Jesse was worse the second time around.
It seems like more and more auditioners are blaming nerves for their poor performance. And maybe it truly is nerves (I know my nerves are shot after watching them). But like Paula said, if you want to make it in show business you have to get your nerves instead of grating on our nerves.
Fido is now on valium to calm his nerves.
And who could possibly forget about the ones like Ian Benardo?
Ian's ego walked into the audition three weeks before he did. And I'm not sure which was worse: his ego or his singing. How does someone so bad end up with an ego so big? I've heard of having to compensate for your shortcomings before, but this was ridiculous. Somebody needs to give Ian a reality check. And fast.
Big egos are nothing new to American Idol, and I'm not talking about Simon's. Every year there are a slew of auditioners whose egos arrive before they do. And these egos are apparently made of steel, because they don't deflate. If anything, they get bigger while the judges attempt to rip them a new one. How is that possible?
Both Kenneth Briggs and Ian Benardo are getting their fifteen minutes of fame. Kenneth is getting his fifteen minutes because 1) Simon said he looked like one of those "bush babies" (which trigged an avalanche newspaper articles asking if Simon was being too rude this year), and 2) because of the friendship that developed between him and Jonathan Jayne during the audition process. Ian is getting his fifteen minutes because 1) his demands to see Simon's work visa has got to be one of the funniest comebacks of all Idol time, and 2) because the world is laughing AT him, not with him.
Which brings me to the question of the hour: Are any of them for real? Do these people (and those like them) really think they have what it takes to make it on American Idol? Is it possible they are so far out of reality to think they really have a shot? Or are these people shysters at heart hoping to become the next William Hung? Do they really think they are all that and then some, or should we just go ahead and give them the Emmy for being able to cry on cue?
What do you think?
Tags: Taylor Hicks, American Idol, Birmingham, Alabama
