All I want is to make it home in one piece

The other day I had a craving for some good rolls.



Yes, I said rolls. I'm a bread man, okay?

So anyway, I head out to one of my favorite barbecue joints because they not only have delicious rolls, but they also bring out fresh, hot rolls about every 20 minutes. When I was done, I was very, very full. And very, very satisfied. I was ready to drive home and work on finishing TheOfficialSoulPatrol.com May Newsletter.

Unfortunately, the anti-newsletter people were out on the road in full force that afternoon. They had one mission and one mission only: to stop me from getting home in one piece, thus stopping the May Newsletter from ever going out. They were a devious group of people. They tried almost every trick in the book to run me off the road. They ignored Stop and Yield signs, ran red lights, merged into my lane of traffic while I was still occupying said lane, crossed twenty solid white lines to make the highway exit, and proceeded straight despite being in a left turn lane.

In my naivete, I didn't immediately realize what was going on. During the first couple of attempts to run me off the road, I just chalked it up to people talking on their cell phones and not paying attention. With attempts three and four, I figured more road-rage people were on the road than normal. By attempts five and six, I realized this was personal and that I was now in a race to get home in one piece.

The good news, in case you haven't figured it out yet, is that I did manage to make it home in one piece. I'm not yet sure who was behind the attack, but I've narrowed it down to two people: Steff, my Webmaster, and Sir Darryl, my Idol Radio Show co-host. I don't have any proof that one or both of them were behind this, yet. But I will keep searching until I find the proof. And when I do, I will get my revenge.

However, on the off chance that this wasn't a conspiracy and, instead, it just happened to be a day where eight random people tried to kill me, I thought I would use this space to give you all a refresher course on some of the rules of the road.


Stop Sign

What you should do: Come to a complete stop even with or slightly behind the sign. Look both ways to see if there is any traffic coming. If there is an obstruction at the intersection that prevents you from seeing, slowly pull forward until you can see and then stop again. Stay stopped until traffic on the cross-street is clear enough to allow you to safely pull out into the intersection.

What you should not do: Play chicken with the oncoming traffic. While that may have been fun back when you played the Frogger video game, getting splatted by an oncoming car isn't usually as fun in real life. Also, when two or more cars are at a four-way stop at the same time, the first car to come to a complete stop has the right of way. It is not a signal to begin playing dodge ball with your car.


Yield Sign

What you should do: Slow down, then look to see if there is any traffic approaching. If no traffic is approaching, you can proceed without coming to a complete stop. If there is traffic approaching, come to a complete stop and wait until the traffic has cleared before continuing.

What you should not do: Gun the engine, speed up, and cut-off anyone who might be in the lane you are about to get dumped into. Not only is it considered bad manners, but it is likely to cause a whole line of cars to have to hit their brakes suddenly. Also, when stuck behind someone who has legitimately stopped at a yield sign, leaning on your horn with all your weight until your car chokes up a gasket is not a good way to get the stopped car moving again. It is, however, a good way to get the person in that stopped car to send you a message through the back window.


Red Light

What you should do: Come to a complete stop behind the solid white line that signals the entrance to the intersection. Wait there until such time as the light has turned green, and then look both ways to make sure that the intersection is clear before moving. If allowed to turn right or left on red, look to make sure there is no oncoming traffic before making your turn.

What you should not do: Continue on through the intersection as though the red light is only a suggestion. While you might not cause an accident if you are the first car to continue on through, being the second, third, or twelfth car to continue on despite the red light will cause your chances of hitting someone to go up. Also, don't stop in the middle of the cross walk, especially if there is a pedestrian in said cross walk. That is a good way to receive a large dent in the hood of your car when the pedestrian registers his displeasure with you for almost running him over.


Merge Left

What you should do: Begin looking at the lane on your left for a large enough break in traffic in which your car will safely fit in. At the same time, turn on your left indicator so cars in that lane will know you want over and can help make room for you. Once a large enough break has reached you, purposefully move your car over one lane. When you are in your new lane, turn off your turn indicator. If the car behind you slowed down in order to give you enough room to merge, politely wave to them through the rear view mirror to thank them for their generosity.

What you should not do: Wait until the lane you are in actually comes to an end, then act like you have a constitutional right to take over occupying the space to your left. Not only have the courts not shown any willingness to recognize this clearly basic human right, they have also shown a reluctance to make the driver who had previously occupied said space pay for the damages to your car. Also, if driving a Lexus, Porsche, or other luxury-brand car and you deliberately speed-up when the car on your right indicates they would like to move over, don't be surprised when said car moves over anyway out of spite. Seeing your reaction to a ding in your precious baby is worth any money he will have to pay.


Exit Sign

What you should do: When the exit signs indicate that you are only a mile or two away from your exit, you should make your way over to the right-lane of the highway, following the same rules as the Merge Left (only make sure you look and move right instead of left). When the exit approaches, get over into the exit lane, if there is one, and proceed to exit off the highway.

What you should not do: Wait until the last possible moment and then zoom over four lanes of traffic in order to make your exit. Not only does this inconvenience the cars in those four lanes, but it's pretty dangerous as well. In addition, if making the exit would cause you to drive over the solid white lines painted into the roadway to indicate that you should not be driving on this part of the road in any shape, form, or fashion, then proceed to the next exit instead. By no means should you make your exit by driving through the grassy area between the highway and the service road, especially if it's been raining. Getting stuck in the grass is a good way to cause a slowdown on the highway as everyone rolls down their windows, points in your direction, and laughs heartily at your predicament.


LeftTurnOnly

What you should do: Turn left when the traffic light says you can and/or oncoming traffic provides you a large enough break to safely turn through. Turn lanes have been built into many intersections as a way to help keep through-traffic moving while you wait for an opportunity to turn.

What you should not do: Continue straight through the intersection. Left Turn Only lanes usually do not have a corresponding free lane available on the other side of the intersection, which would necessitate the need to then cut in front of the car to the right of you in order to keep from hitting a car head-on that is in their respective Left Turn Only lane. Also, if you ever find yourself in a Left Turn Only lane at an intersection that you did not want to turn left at, turn left anyway. Refusing to move until you can get in the lane on the right tends to anger the other cars behind you. You could find yourself with a damaged rear bumper when those cars decide to forcefully move you out of their way.


I know the above is a lot to remember. However, using the above rules while driving could prevent other newsletter writers from going through what I went through. After all, a distraught newsletter writer might just decide not to write any more newsletters. And where would the world be without newsletters to waste hours of our time reading?

Oh, and regarding Steff and Sir Darryl........ well, they just might want to keep an eye on the road for a while. That's all I'm saying.

# posted by Alan @ 12:41 PM                                     Post a Comment